There were two primary events that made up the bulk of this war. The first was an initial thievery of money taken from me and another owner of the funds that were in Zera’s care. The second was a more narrowly focused assault that was meant to single me out, further taking possessions that were mine. It was after the second assault that I was abandoned by some who were closest to me and even a division in our family ensued.
As easy as it would have been for me to wear a hat of entitlement and grievance, I found that all I wanted to do was know how God expected me to respond. The flesh in me wanted to fight and fight hard. But, there was another work at hand and a hard lesson in training was about to bring me to a crisis of faith.
If you missed part 1 of this series then click here — Woman at the Well: The War (Part 1)
What about JUSTICE?
“The Lord preserves all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.” Psalm 145:20
In the paralyzing aftermath, I sat confused. My intellectual sort of brain wanted to crunch the numbers, make a list, and ponder the facts. So, I tried and each time I did God would bring to mind the truth of His word for comfort and distraction.
“God will give ear and humble [my enemies],
he who is enthroned from of old, Selah
because they do not change
and do not fear God.” Psalm 55:19
What wasn’t offered during this time were the solutions to the problem. If I wasn’t supposed to know all of the whys or hows then, for the love, what the heck was I supposed to do?!?!
“Lord, don’t you see that we’re losing this war? The enemy is getting away with this!” Reeling from the frustration that evil was winning, I sat in my puddle of tearful waiting; trusting God.
If you are familiar with this blog you know that, while I may not be a pro at a lot of things, waiting is something at which I’ve had a lot of practice. The obstacles that Brooks and I have faced are crazy. Infertility, being 1st generation farmers, renovators of an old house, and Christian are all deep waters that have been and/or continue to be swum. Practiced even.
The key to waiting? Staying in the word, knowing Him, and believing the truth. Faith, after all, is the belief in the unseen.
So, as my chapter of waiting set off, I set some healthy boundaries with those in my family who betrayed me and began the work of healing. This had to be done without knowing the future and WITHOUT THE PROMISE OF JUSTICE. Yikes… that last bit hurt.
Don’t we naturally want justice when we’ve been wronged? Being still is so, so hard.
“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10
For more than a year, I practiced the simple discipline of being a “branch”.
“I [Jesus] am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5
FALLOW GROUND
As a gardener, I am constantly thinking about the ground my flowers + vegetables grow on. I’ll never forget the day I broke ground on my first garden bed. It is the front section where a collection of hydrangea, boxwood, and pieris now reside. Later, I added ferns since it faces north and gets a good bit of shade.
Job one was to break up the fallow ground. I took my broadfork and broke up the ground, turning the existing soil, adding a few amendments, planting all the things, and covering it with mulch. The fallow ground had been broken and new things were being planted. Now, 5 years later, that bed is such a fruitful and delightful space to enjoy.
But, it had to endure the hardship of being worked first. The quenching effects of watering, fertilizing, and bearing fruit came later.
In my chapter focusing solely on being a ‘branch’, I learned that I had become hardened by all of the things life has thrown at me. My soul’s ground had become fallow. I was in need of some literal ground-breaking work.
My strategy for healing?
I worked on my reading project (I had started reading the bible in chronological order only a few weeks before ‘the war‘ had started… God is good and always in the details of timing), focused on rooting into our new church (another example of perfect timing), and worked to develop routines for a healthy me, marriage + home life. That was all.
I just worked to live life in the way that I wanted to live it. Strong, focused, faithful, and fruitful. In essence, I pressed forward in the race.
It proved to be the right strategy because slowly my frustration dissipated and I started noticing gratefulness bubbling to the surface. As the hymn goes, I had turned my eyes to Jesus and all the things of earth had grown strangely dim.
Even crazier, I had started to develop compassion for my human offender. [say whaaaaa?!?] That’s right I started having a soft heart towards Zera. It was small at first. Just the simple act of “cooling off”. Then, that grew towards compassion.
During the majority of this war, most people wanted to label Zera as pure evil. The devil himself. I do believe that there are evil people in this world. But, I kept having the nagging feeling that she wasn’t evil. Just broken. Like, severely broken.
This pulling back of my reigns and different view of Zera was something that only came from the Lord. Everything in my flesh said to go along with the evil label. But, the Spirit in me was saying ‘no’.
Hallelujah, my heart was showing those bless-ed signs of healing. God is good.
Training Plan
While grateful for a tender heart and the caring feelings that were growing towards Zera, all of this swoony compassion still didn’t help me settle why this was happening.
On Sept 4, 2023, through the course of my reading plan, God showed me Jeremiah 12:5-6 which finally gave me some resolve as to why all of this was allowed to happen.
“If you have raced with men on foot, and they have wearied you,
how will you compete with horses?
And if in a safe land you are so trusting,
what will you do in the thicket of the Jordan?
For even your brothers and the house of your father,
even they have dealt treacherously with you;
they are in full cry after you;
do not believe them,
though they speak friendly words to you.” Jeremiah 12:5-6
I learned through these verses that I was in training. I have run a slew of life’s races and crossed the finish line only mildly scathed. But, I hadn’t run with the big dogs yet. Or according to this verse, horses. While I’d like to believe that I’ve hiked through plenty of unsafe territory I haven’t. I’ve really only traversed safe land.
I’ve had thieves at my door scooping up minor items but never have I had someone steal the volume of what has been taken this time around.
I’ve been betrayed by friends but not by family and not like this.
I’ve been stretched but I needed to be stretched some more.
In a nutshell, God used this chapter of ‘the war’ to refine me. I learned that there was a FALLOW GROUND in me that needed to be turned. Churning needed to happen so that good seed wasn’t wasted.
And boy, that good seed was about to sprout its beautiful seedling just a mere 2 weeks later…. Stay tuned.
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19
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