The Great Divide: It’s Time to Close the Gap

I’m going to give you fair warning that my post today is as hard for me to write as it will be for you to read. I’ve noticed a problem with today’s culture and it has spread even into the realm of infertility.

The problem is this…

We’ve become sensitive and entitled as a people. We are offended by even the littlest things and instead of trying to understand each others’ sides or educating one another, we just pout, get mad and react. It’s causing a gap to form between the infertile and everyone else.

I bet in this moment some of you are reading what I have to say and contemplating closing this post or even showing me the ole’ snub; giving me a piece of your mind about how insensitive I’m being. Hear me out…

It’s time for us to be grown-ups. We need to change our habits, approaches, and become more diligent in peacemaking and striving towards mutual respect.

Because you know what? What we are doing is not working.

man-couple-people-woman — This is not how we should be doing things…

The turning point for me was the night I attended an infertility group and, I kid you not, of the 6 women that were there 4 of them ranted on about how they hated family members and even their spouse! Hated! I felt like I was on an episode of Desperate Housewives or something?!?!

This approach is W-R-O-N-G, wrong! Do you realize what kind of culture and environment that breeds!?!?!? #hate #resentment #battlegrounds #divides #awkwardholidays #divorce

Now, I like to vent just as much as anyone and I’ve definitely have had it up to my neck with the lack of sensitivity from people in general. But, this is my point…

We are creating this environment where we label those around us as enemies.

Over the last several years, the Lord has really convicted me of my issues of entitlement and sensitivity. He’s shown me my poor responses when someone says something to me that was insensitive or even offensive. I recognized an inappropriate response and action towards something that in reality I’m more passionate about than anything. I, too, had been venting and ranting more than I was pulling my weight to educate and encourage.

There is a GREAT DIVIDE between Infertile Myrtles, the general public and even our families.

There hasn’t been enough education and definitely not enough mutual respect for one another. That is why I strongly felt it was time to write this series of posts. It’s time to work on closing this gap.

Over the next month, I will be providing resources that specifically address this so-called great divide. I’ve invited a few of my infertility gals to contribute to the series, as well. I am endeavoring that once this series is completed the infertile will have been equipped with some tools and encouragement to address their part in closing the gap. The observer of infertility will have a better understanding and some ideas and practical tips on how to support us.

Bottomline, we have work to do in spreading awareness, growing an open line of communication, and learning best practices on how to close the gap. Let’s get to building that bridge.

Healing the Great Divide: A Word to Infertile Couples

Healing the Great Divide: Caroline of In Due Time

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6 responses

Katie Furrow

December 5, 2016

Having been on both sides for some time…5 years of infertility (to include IVF) & now 10 as parents I totally agree with what you are saying. There is such a divide. And it creates such despair in relationships, ones that are supposed to be meaningful. I felt so separated from family that was constantly pressing us for children or judging how we were pursuing parenthood & friends (or even strangers) that had children & ‘seemed’ to have them with ease. Not to mention my job as a NICU/L&D RN which almost daily brought up reminders of our childless life (at that time). Now more than ever I try so hard to be conscious of others & their own trials because I realize lots of folks look at me & say ‘wow, must be nice to have four beautiful girls when we just want one’ not realizing we were there too for far too long. No matter the situation, I am forever reminding myself that each person has their own battles to fight; some are just more visable than others. It helps me look past the annoyance & anger at the insensitivity of others.

Reply
1. Jil Davis
  
  December 5, 2016
  
  Katie… AB.SO.LUTELY! YES! I am planning to shoot straight in these posts. My guest bloggers will be a little more kinder I’m certain. ? But, I’m definitely not going to hold back in the posts. The discussion has to be opened up between infertile myrtles and others. It takes bravery but it HAS to be done. And honestly, both parties have to be willing to talk it out and listen. All of this will be discussed for sure. Thanks SO MUCH for commenting. Doing so helps to encourage the readers to accept what will be said and just reiterates that we are not alone. I know I’m not the only one seeing this divide. Thank you for confirming and being open! Appreciate you!
  
  Reply
  1. Katie Furrow
    
    December 8, 2016
    
    Aww, no problem, thank YOU! I have followed you for a bit from time to time because several old NICU pals follow you & we had quite a group going at the time that were battling infertility & recurrent miscarriage. What an ordeal & I think you have been handling it with such grace. I applaud you. It was indeed so hard, especially this time of year. I grew so resentful & lonely. My in-laws blamed me for no grandchildren (actually it was both of our issues though they would never accept it) & I had friends that dropped off the earth once they were pregnant for fear that I would eat them I guess. 😉 And my Catholic mother thought we were going about it all wrong. Though she never said so directly. She didn’t have to. The siblings & dads didn’t know what to say so they said nothing. It was so isolating. A divide for certain if you will. Even in our marriage. My husband’s job & Master’s classes largely didn’t change his life didn’t change (that is same for parenting as well & one of the hardest realities to face as a woman). I spent countless hours on the road, limiting my progression at work & furthering education because I never knew if/when I was going to become pregnant & with how many kids. I am terrible at NOT following through with something so instead I stagnated in areas where I should have persevered even if it meant stopping what I started which is super hard for me to do. Thanks type A personality. That is the one regret I have through all the infertility, not doing more for me & my life as a person. I should have finished my schooling then. Perhaps the MSN degree work would have given me more focus to shift off of my infertility.
    I still find remnants of those days in the nearly weekly insensitive comments toward my husband, me or my girls. The ‘oh, your husband must be so disappointed’ or the ”guess you never got that boy but man, you kept trying huh?’ Or everyone automatically assuming we came by kids so easily. The list is endless, though undoubtedly easier to bear with kids than without. I have just learned to chalk it up to ignorance & insensitivity. That & let it go has gotten me far. I just count my blessings, knowing we couldn’t be happier despite the world telling us otherwise. I just hope my experience helps someone (maybe one of my own girls given the likelihood one or more will have endo like me). I think you have touched on a very important but largely unspoken topic affecting so many. Kudos & blessings to you.
    
    Reply
    1. Jil Davis
      
      December 8, 2016
      
      Wow! It’s such a disappointment that there is so little understanding in general. I think the misunderstanding can be felt in different areas of life, too. Generally speaking, we tend to speak before we think, we don’t put ourselves in others’ shoes, and of course people haven’t quite grasped Infertility as a ‘disease’ or real, tangible effort and issue in today’s world. That is my hope for this blog and the series being embarked on!
      
      I unfortunately also spent A LOT of years just focused on growing a family. I wasted a lot of time not doing enough for myself. But, that has changed. Brooks and I are way more intentional about our life choices, recreations, and goals. We’ve learned to go through life tackling our ambitions and yet having the attitude that hopefully children will come. We are following ‘our dreams’ so to speak outside of infertility and following the Lord as He leads regarding our desires for a family. It’s difficult to do but necessary. Sounds like I need to plan another topic series! 😉 Something like “Avoiding Regrets as an Infertile Myrtle”… Or “Taking Back Our Life”… ?
      
      Reply
Sharky

December 5, 2016

I’m ready!

Reply
1. Jil Davis
  
  December 5, 2016
  
  Yay! We’ve got to be open to discussion, amen!?!?
  
  Reply