Wow, what a ride. It’s been one of life’s seasons when things seems to ebb and flow about as smoothly as the ocean waves in a hurricane. One minute there was peace and calming. The next I was drowning. That’s what this road has been for several months now, causing me to go quiet. Blogging had gone by the wayside save for a few guest posts.
But, honestly, I had lost my will to write, share, and encourage. It’s been a season where I myself needed the encouragement and was in no condition to offer it to others.
Sounds selfish. But, truly, my soul had gone into the depths of despair and depression.
I knew things were getting bad when I started withdrawing. Having gone through bouts of depression before I know the warning signs – reclusive, lost interest in hobbies, friends, loved ones, fatigued, loss or gain of appetite, headaches, dizziness, etc. The bitterness… oh, the bitterness…
I had it all.
Praying hadn’t ceased but there was something off. The tone of my prayers had changed. They’d gone from being thankful and outward to resentful and inward. Unsurprisingly, it seemed my prayers were going unheard; even more unanswered.
Somewhere along the road, I had lost the simplicity of joy in life. Something I’m a huge proponent of.
To every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven… a time to breakdown and a time to build… a time to weep and a time to laugh… a time to mourn and a time to dance….a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing…
It wasn’t until I seemingly hit rock bottom before God allowed me the eyes to see. Pulling the scales from my eyes I could finally address areas that needed improvement. Spaces in my world where it was just that… my world. Not God’s. I needed to throw off the things that were weighing me down, right my priorities, and rediscover what it was that God created me for; His purpose for me.
The first thing to change was my prayer life. I knew my heart desperately wanted and needed fellowship with God. I knew my heart’s cry was for His presence. Acknowledging the fact that unrepented sin is perhaps the biggest barrier between God and His children, I immediately got to my knees. Asking forgiveness of each and every sin I knew of and those I didn’t.
Next, I recognized that I had lost compassion for people. Like I said, I was living in my world. It didn’t come from selfish motives per say. It stemmed from being so sick, disappointed, and depressed that that’s all I thought about. I was consumed and distracted by how ill I felt everyday.
I needed to change my view and turn my gaze from downward to upward. Focusing on the One who is my healer.
One of the most powerful prayers I’ve ever prayed was for God to break my heart for what breaks His. It’s one of those prayers that’s like “be careful what you pray for”… It’s almost like praying for patience… we all know what that leads to… opportunities to exercise and practice patience… am I right!?!? Can a girl get an AMEN?
But, boldly and authentically I prayed for my heart to be broken. Not for me but for others.
This is what set the stage for a new season…