After reading the title, you are assuming right. We are miscarrying. Our first frozen embryo transfer was on June 8th. That transfer was successful and we are pregnant with TWINS! Only one embryo was transferred so they would have been identical.
But, after three weeks of ultrasounds we’ve confirmed that the babies have stopped growing. Our doctor has instructed us to stop our meds and supplements. This causes the body to do what it does naturally, which is to miscarry. This miscarriage was supposed to have happened a few weeks ago but the pregnancy support meds kept it from doing so. We’ve done this and are now waiting for it to happen.
In essence, we’ve been told we’d have about one more week to carry the babies. And then they’d be gone. Gone from our physical lives. Gone from my womb. Gone. So many emotions have run through me in processing this. I was confused, disappointed, and sad. I was angry about the prospect of what would need to happen should my body have difficulty letting go of them.
Ha, “letting go”. Did he mean emotionally or physically? Could it be that my body would some how cling to the hope that they’d make it if I just gave them more time?
My mind reverted back to all of my four-legged babies that have struggled in one way or another and how I didn’t give up on them even when others had. Like when Lambie struggled to survive after her mother and siblings died in the brutal cold winter of 2015. How we took her in to bottle feed her. How I was determined to not give up hope after she went cripple, nursed her back to health and helped her learn how to walk again. My motherly instinct kicked in then and it was kicking in here, too. Should I “let it go” or stay hopeful and determined. I needed peace. Not just any peace like you hear about… the word closure comes to mind. I needed the Peace of God. There’s none other like it.
We discussed a D&C as well as a prescription to help my body clean itself of the pregnancy. But, what kept flashing in my mind was “abortion”. I couldn’t shake the thought that I might have to make my body do something it didn’t want to do. I know this is irrational. A D&C and this prescription weren’t for the purposes of abortion. In my case, it would be used only if my body struggled to fully clean itself out. That was a very hard mental challenge to overcome. Again, I desperately needed peace in all this.
A week after our devastating news, we went to our regular OB for a second opinion. It’s not that I felt our RE was mistaken or lying. It’s just that, I was not going to feel confident in this until I completed all due diligence. I needed to know that I had included more than one brain in the decision-making. Two heads are better than one. I went in fully expecting her to say that our babies were in fact not viable. But, what I got was so much more. She did confirm the status of our babies but she also confirmed and showed me that my body was already in the process of ridding itself of the pregnancy.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not happy that I’m miscarrying. I am just incredibly relieved that, as of now, I won’t have to have any medical intervention to complete the task. If I have to miscarry, this is the way I want it to happen. I fully believe that God has created our bodies to function in ways that we may not always understand – miscarriage included. But, it does serve a purpose and I trust Him more than any doctor, ideology, or science. His creation is perfect.
The fact that my body was created to know when something was amiss in a pregnancy is proof of that. That’s not science. That’s creation and His perfect will.
As we pick up the pieces of this broken season of life, I find myself working to find the joy in it. Joy can be found in anything. As the cliché goes, there’s always something for which to be thankful. Here is what I am thankful for…
If there were ever a “perfect time” for news like this to be given to me, God chose one heck of a week to tell me. The very week we received the worst news we’ve ever gotten in our life, was the same week I was helping with our church’s VBS set up. I was asked (weeks ahead of time) to feed the workers lunch everyday. Most would think that sofa city is really the only place I’d want to be after getting news like that. And perhaps there was a part of me that wanted that.
But, let’s look at it another way. Knowing His timing is perfect, I realized the week we got this news I was also divinely appointed to be in His house, among His people (all of my friends), and keeping my hands busy doing my MOST FAVORITE thing (feeding the masses) every single day. For this, I am thankful. It supplied me with joy and I was able to laugh in the process, too.
None of the people I was around that week knew the broken heartedness I was experiencing. The little hugs, small talk conversations, the moments they made me laugh, and the thank yous for lunch all made my heart smile.
They were mending a broken heart and didn’t even know it.
I didn’t have time to be idle. Idleness causes a lot of stinkn’ thinkn’ and likely would have encouraged depression. But, He knows what we need always. He knew I needed to be around laughter, happiness, and that I needed not to be wallowing in self-pity. For that I am thankful and have joy in my circumstances. He is good all of the time.
As I wait for our babies to pass and leave me for good, I am getting more and more peaceful each day. The pillows are still stained with my mascara. Trashcans are full of tissues. And I still have big, ugly cries here and there… like this past Sunday at church. UGH!
Mourning and grieving are still having their way. But, soon the sun will shine on my heart again, happiness will enter my home, and Brooksie and I will be moving on with life. Despite the turmoil of the moment, I still find myself smiling and laughing. For this, I am thankful. Proverbs 31:25 gives me permission to “laugh at the days to come”. I absolutely will do this in the knowledge that His will is perfect and I have been created in His image, even if that image can bring a little sorrow now and then. All is well. And all will be well with my soul.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8