I’ve often wondered why I try so hard. I mean, this general wondering can be applied to just about everything in life – work, marriage, child rearing. Anything. But, for me it’s mostly that relentless need to keep the pursuit of a growing family. I believe this is where Proverbs 30:15-16 comes into play.
I’ve failed at many things in my lifetime most of which I simply stand back up, brush myself off, and walk on in another direction. So, what is it that keeps me going in this relentless battle to have my babies?
In this journey, I’ve always felt like if I could just try IVF that’ll be all I need. If I can just do that, if it fails, I will finally have closure and can move on. Last year, we did IVF, had our first frozen embryo transfer, were pregnant with twins, and subsequently miscarried both. If you’ve been following our journey, you know that we’ve been spending these last several months healing. #miscarriageisnojoke
But, here I sit typing away at the computer with the urges of all urges to go for round two. IVF did not provide the closure I was expecting.
Honestly, I shouldn’t be surprised. How silly of me to doubt God’s word. He knew what He was doing when He ordained those words in Proverbs to be included in Scripture.
So now I am pondering the reason God created us women to have this insatiable desire. Clearly, we are built to bear and raise children. That’s a given. But, for a woman who God seemingly didn’t consecrate to have a child, why must He give her this same desire? It seems cruel. It feels cruel.
I’m not mad at God for this. I just want to know His purpose.
I fasted for a month back in September 2014 over this very issue. Before the days of IUI, IVF, and FETs, I was still wondering the same question. I hate to admit it, but I believe I’m experiencing full-on doubt and frustration at my lot in life. God has already spoken to my heart the reason I must go through this. But, sometimes, I don’t like His answer.
His answer hurts.
His answer is frustrating.
His answer makes me out of the loop socially.
His answer makes me feel alone in this world at times.
But, I have to trust Him.
The fact that I am post treatment and still have desperate urges to have babies tells me that I need to start trusting. We are never promised an easy life and we are never promised that our problems will go away. I may NEVER have children (either biological or feel a call to adopt) and I have to accept that. That is what my faith is all about. Trusting God’s perfect will.
But, it’s my trust that anchors my hope and it brings me to the level of endurance that I have. Endurance isn’t just given to me. It is a muscle I must exercise each and every day. Some days are hard. Some days are easy. Some days I’m praised for it. Some days I’m called a fool.
That is why I love this verse so much and chose to feature it as one of my first t-shirts. It reminds me of the race that I am running, the obstacles I have to hurdle myself over, and the finish line that I know is coming. The full version of this verse says this:
We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Thessalonians 1:3 NIV (emphasis added)
I wear this verse proud and on purpose. Not only for others but as a reminder for myself, as well.
While I wish I could say to every infertile myrtle out there that it all goes away after you’ve exhausted your efforts, it doesn’t. I trust His word to be true when it says this beast called the ‘barren womb’ will never go away. But, I also trust the parts that say He sees each & every tear I shed. That He knows the number of hairs on my head. That my endurance in running this race is remembered. That the work of my faith is remembered without ceasing.