When I love, I love hard and grieve even harder. The worst of it is that I tend to grieve things that haven’t even happened. That’s just plan fear and worry. As I’ve mentioned on this blog, thanks to a dear, dear sister in Christ, this phenomenon is called stinkn’ thinkn’! #yourethebestSharky

I am fearing another season of change. One that I don’t want to happen and I’m clinging to every bit of hope that it won’t happen. It brings me to tears at the sheer thought of it. My fear is that God will lead me away from writing. The thing in my life I have found every inch of my being loves to do.

This blog has been my ministry for the last several years and it helped me to discover a passion that I didn’t know existed. At least not before I was actually brave enough to do it.

I was that little girl who watched PBS growing up like my life depended on it. The farm gal that one day in her PBS binge saw a program about a little boy whose same love of books led him to start a library in his parents’ basement – complete with a check out system and everything. Next thing I knew, I had a library in my room. Anyone was welcome to come and check out a book. Though I never had any visitors.

Before this blog, I nerded out on books, libraries, and bookstores. I worked at my local Barnes & Noble during college and I tell ya it’s the only job I’ve had that I would do again in a heartbeat!… if only they’d pay me more… I’ve got a hungry farmer and pet sheep to feed.

Aaannndd, if you know me in person, you know that I, too, can really throw down some grub. Y’all that’s why I have to eat kale… so I can maintain some form of healthy in my gluttonous nature. Our grocery budget if left unchecked tops out at $800 for two people… That’s another blog post but long story short, I’ve gotten that in check. We’re now running around $400 per month. Whew!

Writing is and has been ingrained in me from the start and it was destined by God that after His preparing me with a love of books, literary related jobs, a story to tell, and the perfect Gospel of Christ to base all of it on that He led me to then put pen to paper and fingertips to keyboard. I never experienced the dreaded writer’s block until about a year and a half ago when due to depression and health issues all inspired hope left me and I had nothing to write about… nothing that was happy & joyful anyways. God sure got an earful in my private journals. It’s a good thing He’s patient and loves me so.

The strange thing is that, all along, I’ve had a deep desire to write, even through the worst times when words wouldn’t articulate themselves into cohesive sentences. My soul longs to share the Gospel in this format, tell my story of faith, and hopefully watch others be strengthened from my little existence. It’s my mark on this world and how I love to put some good in it. It’s my form of expression of the light of Christ on a hilltop. It’s my thaaang!

I have so much to say but fear that I won’t be able to. I have so much love and encouragement to spread but am scared that God will never use me to share it. That it will be locked away in my heart forever. See that? Stinkn’ Thinkn’.

I know better and I bet you do, too.

I’ve come to understand this is a season of stillness and not the ending of an era.

It’s just a lull. A break. The pause to a great movie while you grab a snack.

I am certain there are things you fear in life, too. Not fear of sharks kind of fear. But, emotional and relational type fears. The kind that keeps you from doing Kingdom Work. The kind that make you turn your head or run in the opposite direction when God invites you to work. The fear that somehow you will never amount to much. That you’ll never be enough. That you’ll never do anything important. Or, like in my situation, that your season of doing awesome stuff for God will be no more. The fear of Him asking you to do something you don’t want to do. Maybe He is. Or maybe He’s still using you in the same way but is driving you to a different location.

I LOVE this thing God has called me to do. [Writing]

I LOVE where God is leading me. [The mission field]

I LOVE the places that God is calling Brooks and I to go. [Cumberland, Guatemala, & beyond]

I LOVE that in my frozen state of fear & confusion He tells me to capture my thoughts [2 Corinthians 10:5], think on things that are pure, lovely, and godly [Philippians 4:8], and remind myself of where He last had me.

He last had me writing and was turning my head to our next chapter. He promises to equip. He promises to never leave me.

“…being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6