It’s Sunday. The final day of 2017 and it’s a chilly one. Coffee steaming from our mugs is calling us to sip. Brooks and I are sitting by the wood stove hearing the crackle of fire. Flashes of light are bursting through the wood stove.
Thoughts and wonderment are stirring my heart about the close of one year and start of another. How will God move in our life in 2018? What call to action will we hear?
It’s peaceful in this house, exactly as it should be.
As I sit here taking in the final day of 2017, I am reminded of God’s encouragement for us to look ahead. We run a hard race here on this imperfect earth. The days filling our time here seem futile. They can be full of disappointments, regrets, and bitterness and it’s easy to get that way.
I never blame a person for feeling these emotions. I’ve felt them too over the years. Plenty of bible characters have lived their fair share of turmoil. We’re not alone in this.
I have been thinking about all of the young women around me getting engaged. Perhaps even newly married now and I ponder the realization that they may find themselves walking the same road of infertility as me.
To you newlyweds, there may be a time when you decide “it’s time”. It’s time to grow your family. You’re ready to raise little ones to love Jesus as much as you do. You plan, plan, and plan some more. Start Pinterest boards of pretty nurseries, how to make your own baby food, and how to stay fit while pregnant.
But, 6 months goes by and you’re still not pregnant. You do a little head tilt in wonderment. A year in and you start to worry. Perhaps 6 more months goes by and you start to unravel a bit. Then, it happens. A girlfriend, sibling, cousin, or coworker announces she’s pregnant.
That’s when all sense of control breaks loose. Read more
Bouncing back. That’s the ability I’ve been gaining back these days and it feels so awesome. Since the miscarriage in 2016, I’ve been going through one of the worst seasons ever! I normally work my way through the messes of life and come out stronger. But, not this time.
Losing that ability was rough and foreign.
Here we are today, a little over a year later and I’m as perky as ever! Praise the Lord!!!
I’ve been working really hard this summer to guard my life from the intrusions that come quickly and almost silently. They’re the obligations that pop up and you feel like you have to say “yes” to. My summer has been quieter and that’s been so good for my wellness track.
But, these last few weeks have put some cracks in my armor. Read more
Ok, I had to. The first time I saw this acronym I swore it was a bad word. You think so too!?!?! Why is that? The human brain is interesting. Why we see it as bad word is beyond me. I would think us Infertiles would see “MOTHER” first. Anyhow, I digress…
I’ve been diagnosed with this silly little acronym. A moment that will forever be remembered. I’ve always been told I was completely healthy and there’s no reason for the inability to get pregnant.
After speaking with my doctor for a few minutes, I hung up. And then teared up. I mean for the first time, I had at least a portion of an answer. It may not be all of the answer we need. But, it was a significant piece of the puzzle.Read more
As you are now aware, I’ve been struggling for some time and working to regain my health – mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally.
I’ve never had what I would consider a life crisis before. Lots of mini issues, sure. Everyone has to scale back from time to time but this was my first full blown attack that left me broken in nearly every area of my life.
For the first time in my life, I’ve learned how crucial our physical health is to everything we do. Everyday we live like we’re invincible. But, when you become so sick you can’t function on any level, you realize just how small you really are.When my physical health tore down my daily capabilities, I had to do what it took to create space in life to focus on regaining my footing. So, that’s exactly what I did.Read more
Wow, what a ride. It’s been one of life’s seasons when things seems to ebb and flow about as smoothly as the ocean waves in a hurricane. One minute there was peace and calming. The next I was drowning. That’s what this road has been for several months now, causing me to go quiet. Blogging had gone by the wayside save for a few guest posts.
But, honestly, I had lost my will to write, share, and encourage. It’s been a season where I myself needed the encouragement and was in no condition to offer it to others.
Sounds selfish. But, truly, my soul had gone into the depths of despair and depression.
I knew things were getting bad when I started withdrawing. Having gone through bouts of depression before I know the warning signs – reclusive, lost interest in hobbies, friends, loved ones, fatigued, loss or gain of appetite, headaches, dizziness, etc. The bitterness… oh, the bitterness…
God uses the most amazing avenues to teach us. Being a farm girl and writer, it’s no surprise that He chooses farm analogies to reach my soul. I’m always noticing the correlation between God’s loving care for us and the principles used in animal husbandry.
For example, I don’t only see a group of chicks running for cover under their mother’s wings. I see Psalm 91:4 at work – God’s people resting and finding safety under His wings.
As a shepherdess, I often see these same striking similarities in the care & keeping of my flock of sheep.
Our circumstances have been different these last 3 or 4 years. When we started our flock they were at our personal residence and we had very high success rates with lambing. If I remember correctly, we didn’t lose a single lamb when they were at our house.
Since then, we moved and we haven’t had them with us for about three and a half years now.
Our flock has struggled since the move. Be it coyotes, parasites, trouble lambing, or pregnancy toxemia (an energy crisis) we’ve lost dozens of sheep and lambs. Read more
I just had to share with you something that happened this morning and truly blessed my socks off.
Over the last couple of days, I’ve found myself more anxious and physically tired than usual. I ran through the possible reasons why – too much coffee, an increased work load, unending demands of my time because of said workload. But despite all of that, it really didn’t make sense. I felt off and couldn’t put my finger on it.
The reason dawned on me this morning. My heart has been anticipating today, September 22, 2016. Read more
Summer is coming to a close. The air is cooler today. I’m sitting outside in my favorite antique metal patio chair. Which by the way, Joanna Gaines has the same exact one… and yes, it’s painted in the same color. I didn’t copycat her on this one; we truly were just kindred spirits in our selections.
As I’m typing this little devotional, I’m in the middle of my yard watching my chickens eat the seeds off of the field grasses. I’m wondering where Lambie is? I let her in our yard but she’s disappeared. Who knows. Likely, she’s helping herself to my potted plants… wonderful. Annabelle is taking an afternoon siesta, along with my farmer husband Brooks, and my golden retriever, Jack, is copiloting my writing task.
At 13.5 weeks, our miscarriage is done. It’s ironic that this would have been the weekend Brooks and I would share our good news with the world – we are pregnant with twins. But instead, it’s the weekend we got to lose our babies.
Monday, at 3:30 in the afternoon, we started to bleed heavily and that bleeding didn’t slow until the delivery of “Twin B” at around 10:30pm. While the process went smoothly and everything happened as it should have, we were not expecting this amount of blood to come. It scared us a bit and we went to the ER just in case. My levels were checked and I was given IV fluids. Everything seemed fine.. physically at least.