I’ve often wondered why I try so hard. I mean, this general wondering can be applied to just about everything in life – work, marriage, child rearing. Anything. But, for me it’s mostly that relentless need to keep the pursuit of a growing family. I believe this is where Proverbs 30:15-16 comes into play.
I’ve failed at many things in my lifetime most of which I simply stand back up, brush myself off, and walk on in another direction. So, what is it that keeps me going in this relentless battle to have my babies?
In this journey, I’ve always felt like if I could just try IVF that’ll be all I need. If I can just do that, if it fails, I will finally have closure and can move on. Last year, we did IVF, had our first frozen embryo transfer, were pregnant with twins, and subsequently miscarried both. If you’ve been following our journey, you know that we’ve been spending these last several months healing. #miscarriageisnojokeRead more
God uses the most amazing avenues to teach us. Being a farm girl and writer, it’s no surprise that He chooses farm analogies to reach my soul. I’m always noticing the correlation between God’s loving care for us and the principles used in animal husbandry.
For example, I don’t only see a group of chicks running for cover under their mother’s wings. I see Psalm 91:4 at work – God’s people resting and finding safety under His wings.
As a shepherdess, I often see these same striking similarities in the care & keeping of my flock of sheep.
Our circumstances have been different these last 3 or 4 years. When we started our flock they were at our personal residence and we had very high success rates with lambing. If I remember correctly, we didn’t lose a single lamb when they were at our house.
Since then, we moved and we haven’t had them with us for about three and a half years now.
Our flock has struggled since the move. Be it coyotes, parasites, trouble lambing, or pregnancy toxemia (an energy crisis) we’ve lost dozens of sheep and lambs. Read more
Often when we are facing adversity of any kind, be it illness, loss, marital, financial, or child rearing, we are taught by the world to look it in the face and take charge. To take the bull by the horns so to speak. I’ve often repeated this mantra and have adopted the thinking. It’s certainly worked in many of my situations. But, the more molded to His image I become, I realize just how silly that thinking is. Read more
I just had to share with you something that happened this morning and truly blessed my socks off.
Over the last couple of days, I’ve found myself more anxious and physically tired than usual. I ran through the possible reasons why – too much coffee, an increased work load, unending demands of my time because of said workload. But despite all of that, it really didn’t make sense. I felt off and couldn’t put my finger on it.
The reason dawned on me this morning. My heart has been anticipating today, September 22, 2016. Read more
Summer is coming to a close. The air is cooler today. I’m sitting outside in my favorite antique metal patio chair. Which by the way, Joanna Gaines has the same exact one… and yes, it’s painted in the same color. I didn’t copycat her on this one; we truly were just kindred spirits in our selections.
As I’m typing this little devotional, I’m in the middle of my yard watching my chickens eat the seeds off of the field grasses. I’m wondering where Lambie is? I let her in our yard but she’s disappeared. Who knows. Likely, she’s helping herself to my potted plants… wonderful. Annabelle is taking an afternoon siesta, along with my farmer husband Brooks, and my golden retriever, Jack, is copiloting my writing task.
Judy is a long time friend of mine. We met at church back in 2009. She was the first fellow infertile myrtle I met on this journey and has been such an encouragement to me. She’s been my prayer warrior, example, confidant, and sister in Christ through my toughest years. She shares in my sarcastic sense of humor (which I LOVE!) and as I read her post submission, I found myself giggling, crying, and nodding my head in agreement shouting “YES!!!” at so many of the details. I believe you will be doing the same, perhaps even with eyes wide open and arms raised high as mine were!
I am so excited to share her and Tim’s story because they offer a very unique view. Read more
At 13.5 weeks, our miscarriage is done. It’s ironic that this would have been the weekend Brooks and I would share our good news with the world – we are pregnant with twins. But instead, it’s the weekend we got to lose our babies.
Monday, at 3:30 in the afternoon, we started to bleed heavily and that bleeding didn’t slow until the delivery of “Twin B” at around 10:30pm. While the process went smoothly and everything happened as it should have, we were not expecting this amount of blood to come. It scared us a bit and we went to the ER just in case. My levels were checked and I was given IV fluids. Everything seemed fine.. physically at least.
“A farmer went out to sow his seed…Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain…Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth, and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.” Mark 4
The parable of the four soils is one of my all time favorite parts of the gospels. Not because it is so encouraging… It’s not one of those parts that tells me “that a girl!” or confirms that I’m doing it all right. It actually convicts me each time I read over it! But, I know it’s all for good. Read the whole story here.
As Brooks and I continue to pray through our 5 year plans and what we feel God is leading us to next, we can’t help but have this worldliness and fears crop up.
This is going to be a unique post. I am writing about something I know very little about. Infertility is known ground. I am confident in it. But now, I am navigating through new territory and am in a learning curve. At the risk of embarrassment, misunderstanding, and confusing all of you, I am going to attempt to write about and discuss this as I am wading through it. Read more
Mother’s Day. It’s an Infertile Myrtle’s most dreaded day of the year. It’s that reminder that you lack the very thing that consumes your every thought, inkling of energy, and penny of money. It’s an emotional day for those of us still longing for a house full of laughter and pitter-patters of feet.
If you’re a church goer as I am, it tends to be just a flop of a day because of the traditions many churches hold to celebrate motherhood. Often pastors will share a mother focused message and there are usually many baby dedications on this particular Sunday.
I learned a long time ago that my church celebrates our mothers in an extra special way. During the service all of our mothers are asked to stand. Upon doing so, every little one in our church pews runs to the front, grabs a fresh carnation, and starts disbursing them. It’s a lovely way to remember mothers in our church, many of whom serve in so many capacities outside of motherhood! It is also the most darling site to watch all of the children running about the sanctuary with flowers in their hands. The innocence is too much! Just precious.
But, what often goes overlooked are those of us women who, by no desire of our own, remain sitting during this time of recognition. You may think this a sad time for us. But I’m going to let you in on a secret. Yes, the whole day for us is depressing. But, moments like the one described above are more than that. It’s down right embarrassing and isolating to remain sitting in that pew. I look around and see virtually every woman in the entire church standing, except for me and just a couple of others. It’s like we’ve been singled out when we want more than anything to be like the others.
In years past, I’ve held back tears while I sit motionless feeling like a deer in the headlights. It’s as though I’m wearing a big bullseye on my shirt. 🎯 Like every demon I fight in life is there in that moment. Those demons are like that annoying bully in elementary school saying “Ha. Ha. Look at you! Everyone is staring at you! You are not worthy to participate in this joyful celebration!”.
That’s why I stopped attending church on Mother’s Day. That’s the one day out of the year that I have no interest in entering His house of worship or even leaving the house for that matter. I love the sermons that talk about the ministry of motherhood. I can listen to them, learn, and receive encouragement for what I hope to be my next greatest form of ministry and life’s work. But, outside of that, the rest is just a good dose of reminder that I don’t have what my heart, mind, and body literally long for.
This is a blog about the joys of living expectantly for what’s to come. The name I chose rings true of my heart. I truly love JOY! I have found it in all areas of my life. I consider Brooks and I to be a really strong couple given what we endure. That’s all thanks to the Lord for His new mercies afforded to us everyday, His grace, and His peace that surpasses all understanding.
But, Mother’s Day, I admit, is that one area of this trial that I have not learned to overcome. I don’t know what it is. I experience isolation, sadness, and disappointment everyday in this and am always able to overcome it. Despite learning to have strength in times of trouble, Mother’s Day and the days leading up to it get my panties in a bunch! I’ve been anxious for days. Even more so, because this year I HAVE to go to church because I’m supposed to serve as teller. Duty calls.
So, this year, God is giving me the opportunity to practice the strength that He so freely gives me everyday. It will be difficult this time. I’m out of shape on the Mother’s Day front. Thankfully His grace is abundant!
I have a request for the mothers out there and I think I speak for every one of us living the infertile life. Please, enjoy your day of recognition. We in no way want to rain on your parade. We only want to be understood. Don’t take tomorrow for granted. Don’t dismiss the love that your babies and husbands will be giving to you. Embrace it and cherish it because what you may see as just another Mother’s Day is truly the very joy that many of us are not afforded. If you are in the habit of taking this holiday lightly, wake up. You’ve been given a gift that so many cannot have. Lastly, I ask that you don’t feel sorry for us. We Infertile Myrtles are a tough breed. We’ve been called to bear something that you CAN’T even imagine having to carry. But, the last thing we want is sympathy. Understanding, yes. Sympathy, no. A simple hug and thank you for being a spiritual mother to your children is enough.
To the Infertile Myrtles, I will absolutely be praying for us for this weekend. You all have been on my mind for days and to be honest I’ve shed plenty of tears over the last 48 hours to fill a tub! If you are in the habit of skipping church on Mother’s Day, I challenge you to go. Let’s try to support those whose calling to motherhood came a little earlier than ours did. We all at least understand the hardship of being a mother. Those who are actually living it out right now, need our support just as much as we need theirs. So, just as we ask that they come along side us, let us walk alongside them. They need to be praised, celebrated, supported, prayed for, encouraged, and treated. They are our sisters, our friends, our pastor’s wives, our coworkers, and our own mothers, grandmothers, and aunts.
Be blessed, encouraged, and inspired this Mother’s Day! Be a bowl full of red gummy bears to a friend or sister today! Whether you’re already a mother or are still waiting to be one, bring hope and laughter to life of another woman in your life. Duty calls, right? As does the overflowing joy that we are enabled to live out each and every day. 👭