Ah, my first lesson as an Infertile Myrtle. These were the first of many principles that God laid on my heart early on in my journey. Back when I was so self-conscious about my childlessness and felt debilitatingly alone. God knew my heart’s cries then as He still knows today. With each passing season, He shows me new and soothing bits of encouragement. I will always be a student in this way. And I’m ok with that.
Below is my second post during NIAW 2015. It was the second in the series of posts that publicly made my barrenness known to the world.
-Original Entry Date: April 23, 2015-
This past summer, while Brooksie and I were on our second trip to Nicaragua, I had the opportunity to share my story with dozens of men & women. The women of Nicaragua and our team were such an encouragement to me during that season. I had only just begun to open up and be transparent about my struggles. To hear our team lifting me up was incredible and even more touching was to have a older, Nicaraguan woman come to me, hug me and tell me a word of encouragement {in Spanish of course haha}. I didn’t catch all of it but I knew she would be praying for me in the days to come following that trip. “Los Ninos” anyone!?!
Today’s post I would like to share some highlights from the talk I gave that day. These are lessons that I learned early on through a passage in the bible – 1 Samuel 1 – the story of Hannah.
a) God is in control – (vs 5). I know it’s cliche to say but it’s the truth. We are fearfully & wonderfully made. There is not one inch of us that is unknown to Him that created us. Not one emotion, not one tear, not one cell of cancer, not one twinge of pain goes unnoticed. I needed to trust Him.
b) Expect enemies – (vs 6). Thankfully my husband doesn’t have “some old floozy” {in the words of Madea} provoking me to tears because she’s carrying his child and not me. I mean, Brooks would be in a world of hurt, right!?!?!? And thankfully, I am not surrounded by friends & family mocking me and speaking hurtful words. For me, my enemy has come in the form of thoughts. Too much stinkn’ thinkn’ as my friend Sharky says. It’s been said that our mind is our biggest battlefield. The thoughts that run through my head of fears, disappointment, anger, and bitterness were enough to send me to the loonie. We are to take captive every thought (2 Corinthians 10:5)! For those of you experiencing infertility, expect enemies in all shapes. They may come through thoughts, people, circumstances, anything. But don’t be discouraged.
c) Don’t expect people to understand – part A: the husband – (vs 8). Y’all I AM BLESSED to have a husband with the caliber that he holds. Brooks is an amazing, incredible man. As perfect as he is to me, there is absolutely NO WAY he could possibly understand what I’m going through. Not only is he not wired with the same emotions & body parts but he is lacking the God-given drive to bear children. I can’t expect him to even begin to know how to handle this detriment. But back to the part where I said he is amazing – my Brooksie fully grasps Proverbs 30:15-16 where it states that a barren womb is nothing that can be satisfied, cured, fixed. Ah that word “fixed”. My man has that natural drive to want to fix his woman & family. He knows he can’t. And I can’t expect him to. My husband is the BOMB! He offers grace for my rants and seasons of depression. Love him! Infertiles, be careful how you relate to your husband during your time of infertility. He is grieving differently than you and wants to “fix” you but he can’t. Be easy on him.
d) Don’t expect people to understand – part B: friends. As with my husband, I have INCREDIBLE friends! If you know anything about me, I lost many friends in high school and prayed for a very long time for a core group of friends that would love and support me through life’s ups and downs. God provided more than I could have ever imagined. My friends are truly the best. But like the husband, they likely won’t know what to do with you either. As great as my friends are, they haven’t always known how to handle my struggle. Many times, all we infertiles need is a hug, a movie date, or a shoulder to cry on. Your support doesn’t have to be in words. We likely don’t need advice from you but just need you to listen. Be that person we vent to (even if you’ve heard it a million times before from us). For me, laughter is good medicine. Make me laugh and you’ve done my world a huge favor.
e) Our testimony is in our walk – vs 15 & 18. Over the last year, I have learned the biggest lesson of them all. By being transparent, not only do you help yourself but you help others too. That’s what this week is all about. I was killing myself slowly by keeping my struggle to myself. I had nowhere to vent, no one to cry to which only led to crippling loneliness. When I say crippling loneliness I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY bad loneliness. Many tears were shed because I thought I was alone, completely and utterly alone. By opening up and sharing my story over this last year, I learned that I had an enormous amount of support from other infertiles myrtles and friends/family alike. I learned that instead of being useless and unworthy (thoughts = my enemy) I could actually add value to the life of another.
Infertiles here is some tough love for you – GET UP! Like in John 5:8, when Jesus said to a man “Rise, take up thy bed, and walk”. Girls take up your bed and walk! Get out there and help others in their struggle and help those willing around you to learn about your own.
-End post-
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