Infertility: Our 10 Year Anniversary

This month marks a whopping 10 years that we’ve been waiting for our little bundle(s) of joy. That’s 10 years of waiting and wondering. Years of trying countless avenues with which to get pregnant (I mean how many can there be, right?!?!). Exactly 10 years ago, we fearfully and yet excitedly stopped all of our birth control and started dreaming of what was to be. We thought in a mere few months we would share the news that we were expecting our first. Then, begin picking out the nursery patterns, learning about diapers and poop and the arterial like spray of urine that comes from a boy {sigh… boys will be boys}, and stressing over daycare options.

Of course, we were scared, being only 21 & 23 years old, no money, just out of college, and newly married. We had been living in a tiny farmhouse with two bedrooms (the second of which was our business office). We had no two pennies between us to support a child. However, we knew we had planned on 3-5 children and were ready to grow our family.

“Three before 30” was my motto.

Days, months would go by and nothing. Brooks focusing on the landscaping business we’d started and, soon to follow, the farm. Each evening, he’d show up around dinnertime to consume whatever slop I’d made. I laugh at how predictable I was in my cooking. Brooks knew it was going to be one of the following for dinner: spaghetti, tacos , or meatloaf. That’s what I stuck to and didn’t vary in it hardly ever.

Me, I would clock in at work each and everyday, aid my employer in the care and keeping of his finances, and then clock out at the appointed time eager to get home. Driving to and from work, I would plug-in my worship albums. Early in my marriage, it was a group from VA Beach called Freedom. My sister-in-law had turned me on to them.  In the lull of traffic passing me by (or perhaps me passing them by…), I would think and dream up ways to announce an impending birth. A car is the perfect place to think and dream, as long as you’re still managing to focus on your driving.

Along with the all important pregnancy announcement, there were the practical and scary things. Would I be a good mother? How would I teach my children about my faith? How would I spur that same faith in them? How would I teach them to cook… umm… something other than spaghetti? I’m terrible at being a wife, how would I be able to teach my little girl what a strong, self-controlled, steadfast, persevering wife looks like? Would Brooks be able to teach his little boy how to be a good husband, father, & ambassador? What about school? Public, private, or home-schooling? How would I teach my children to pray aloud when I couldn’t do it myself? How would I teach them to joyfully live in God’s will for their life when I myself was struggling with His seemingly lack of answer to my own prayer? How about… how about… how about… The list could go on…

You know. It was all the simple stuff. Ha!

Now, here I sit, “31 and none”. As I reflect over years of disappointment in a struggle that has proven to be relentless, I realize that, for me, God ordained my 10 year anniversary to be accompanied by this season of Thanksgiving. We all should be thankful each and every day of our life – good times and bad. But, it’s this month that we are constantly reminded of thankfulness.

My God is a god of detail. I don’t believe in coincidence and this fiscal arrangement is no different. Perhaps God knew I would struggle with my disappointments and His will for me and that I would need to remember to be thankful.

So, with this lesson in mind, I want to unfold my thankfulness before your very eyes as I unwrap the gifts of thanksgiving God has supplied to my heart over these last 10 years.

1. FAITH – is the hope in things unseen. I can’t see it, but I know it’s there. A purpose. A calling. A plan. I can rest in green pastures knowing that whatever comes my way is not in vain. There’s at least a lesson to learn if not a stepping stone on which to progress.
2. ANSWERED PRAYER – even when it’s not the answer I expected. Countless times I have prayed for peace, comfort, friendship, and encouragement as I sat seemingly in the depths of infertility & depression hell.
3. MY HUSBAND – who was just as clueless about this whole infertility thing as I was but tried his hardest to learn it. Who listened as I shared what God has shown me through His word over these years. And his patience… there are just no words for it. #Speechless
4. GOD’S WORD – is chock full of encouragement and examples of infertile women & couples. I have studied them over the years and each one fits perfectly into the different seasons I’ve experienced throughout my journey.
5. MY FRIENDS & SUPPORT GROUP – are a force to be reckoned with. They are the strength vessel that God uses to build me up. They support me whole-heartedly, allow me to dampen their shoulders with my tears, offer words of encouragement and conviction, smile with me, cry with me, rejoice with me. They defend me in my persecution, go limp with me in my defeats, and sometimes are lacking words but just sit with me in my grief. I am grateful for their friendship.
6. UNANSWERED PRAYER – was the very tool used to start this little blog. Had God granted me the wish I wished so long ago, I wouldn’t have walked through the valley of the shadow of death to reach this very calling. God planted a seed of compassion for all of the other couples still with empty arms. Then watered it. Then pruned it and made it the masterpiece it is today. Albeit, I and my ministry are still a work in progress and will continue to be. #ForTheLoveOfJoyBlog
7. DOGS, LAMBIES, & LONG-LASHED CALVES – I’ve always said, “God has not given me children but He’s given me my animals”. I might be a little over protective of the creatures God has entrusted to me but they are also one of His supplied joys. My Jackson with his sarcastic back talking groans, Lambie and her ability to give me hugs, and our herd of cattle that moo, well until the cows come home, when Brooks is in view, each with their own personalities. My critters make me laugh.
8. SPIRITUAL MOTHERHOOD – I truly have dozens of children. Very often, I find myself crying at pictures of kids heading to school dances, celebrating birthdays, talking about college choices, watching them grow in their talents & passions. Hearing of the various excitements they have in winning prizes and watching them grow up to be the beautiful toddlers, energetic children, teens, and eventually young adults that they are. It’s an odd feeling to be so protective over something that’s not even yours. It’s also a hard feeling to have to exercise restraint from offering your friends’ & family two cents on how ‘Ruby Sue’ should move forward in life… ahem… jus sayn’ #thestruggleisreal #tamingthetongue

Life is full of surprises and in a struggle as candid as infertility, I can CHOOSE to be just as such in my thanksgiving.

Thank you, Lord, for all that you have given to me over these last 10 years. Thank you for the calling you have placed on my heart and for not guiding me through this pain without a purpose. May these next 10 years bring joy, happiness, growth, strengthened hearts, and, of course, thanksgiving. Oh, and if it’s your will, give Brooksie and I a few new baby bundles of our own. My friends would appreciate it so I would stop unloading my instinctive mothering on theirs…