Infertility: My Heart Abandoned

Often when we are facing adversity of any kind, be it illness, loss, marital, financial, or child rearing, we are taught by the world to look it in the face and take charge. To take the bull by the horns so to speak. I’ve often repeated this mantra and have adopted the thinking. It’s certainly worked in many of my situations. But, the more molded to His image I become, I realize just how silly that thinking is.

I’ve learned through this journey that I don’t need to take infertility by the horns. I don’t need to look my losses in the face for a stare-down. It’s God whom I need to look in the face. I don’t need to wrestle with my grievances. I need to wrestle with God Himself. It’s not infertility that I need to fully comprehend. It’s God that I need to know and trust.

I’ve been growing in my faith through all of this. I reached a point in my walk that I felt like I had it all figured out. I had become comfortable. I knew what to expect and I’d awake each day with a confidence that I was ready for anything because I had lived through it all.

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth. Proverbs 27:1 NIV

But then, miscarriage and disappointment hit. And my world was rocked from its solid state and I crumbled. Or perhaps instead of crumbled, I should say I was humbled. I’ve watched as my husband, my family members, friends and I all felt the impact of what’s happened.

We are all human. All of us. There shouldn’t be any room for pride, comfort, and glory. We are broken human beings living a broken life. One minute we think we have life figured out. The next we are shattered to pieces and left to picking them all up.

We’ve grieved like we’ve never grieved before. Never have I seen such intense grief in my husband and me. To see the pain on our faces and the shock, grief, disappointment, and sorrow on our hearts has been eye-opening. I’ve watched as both of us went from a state of utter confidence that we knew the Lord’s will to one of heartache and confusion.

We thought we knew His will. We thought this was the end of our battle. We thought this was the end of the infertility road. We were wrong. It’s not the end. However, by turning my face from that of my infertility to the face of God Himself, I see why. I let go of infertility’s horns and grabbed hold of God. I understand that the work is not done. Even though I’d like the struggling part of the plan to be over with, it seems that it’s necessary to keep going to accomplish all He has envisioned. And I’m ok with that.

When I think about all of you – our readers, our family, our friends, our co-Infertile Myrtles – I know why we must press on in this. Because with each & every step we are asked to take, He has you in mind.

Through this journey, we all are growing in our reliance on God and trust in Him. And for some, perhaps for the first time in your life, you are contemplating giving your heart over to Him and relinquishing that control. This is why Brooks and I must keep walking and trusting. It’s not just about us and our faith. It’s totally about you, too. YOU!, the one reading this right now. Do you think it’s a coincidence that we are friends or family, that you came across this blog, or even just this post? No. There are no coincidences. You are being extended a hand by our holy God and creator. Take your hand and reach out to His. Grab hold, firmly. Then hang on because you will be used in mighty ways if you let Him. But, it starts with a decision. One that will change the rest of your life and promises peace for everything you go through.

It’s for you and His purposes that I keep going each day. So, choose today to turn your face away from your challenges and face God instead. Let go of those horns and grab His hand instead. Wait and watch for what happens next.