Grieving Through Miscarriage

This is going to be a unique post. I am writing about something I know very little about. Infertility is known ground. I am confident in it. But now, I am navigating through new territory and am in a learning curve. At the risk of embarrassment, misunderstanding, and confusing all of you, I am going to attempt to write about and discuss this as I am wading through it.

Just remember, I’m not on the other side of this. I’m still navigating my way through the deepest valley of my life. But, I still find it imperative to share this portion of the journey. So many women and couples are experiencing loss like mine. And even more are trying to support those couples. So this is for y’all. Here is a vivid account of what’s flowing through my heart. It’s not pretty but it’s real. Thanks for listening and may you have a better understanding of the brevity and heartache of miscarriage, the heart it destroys, and the devastation it leaves in its wake.


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Grief.

It’s hit me like a ton of bricks. I never thought about the possibility and didn’t expect it. For the last several years, I’ve lived a life of strength. One of overcoming life’s woes. I am used to the infertility road and all that it throws at me. I’ve learned to stand firmly in peace, using my sword of the spirit, belt of truth, and most importantly, my custom designed shield of faith.

But, miscarriage and the grief that comes with it is something that I am a rookie at. I’ve never experienced loss as I am today. I’ve certainly lost loved ones. People who were so incredibly dear to me and that I still weep for even today. But, never have I experienced the loss of my babies. Not like this.

As of today, I still haven’t miscarried and we are at the 11 week mark. Physically, I still feel and am pregnant. I have morning sickness nearly everyday, albeit that has gotten loads better. My stomach is distended out still. My blood sugar and digestion is completely off. Yep, I’m still carrying. There’s no doubt about it.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

But, all of it feels in vain. I am experiencing disbelief in the Lord’s words “all things work for the good of those who love Him”. Don’t be confused. I certainly claim my belief in what He promises. In the grand scheme of things – generally speaking of the miscarriage – I am finding ease in believing this will work for a good purpose.

But, what I am talking about is my disbelief that this chosen process is working for the good. I find myself saying to God, “Ok, I am trusting that your plans are better than mine and that this miscarriage will even work for the good. But, why on earth must I keep carrying these babies? Why are You having me to hold them, feeling the ickiness of pregnancy for so long? Lord, I would like to move on. Please let me move on.”

Still, He’s having me to walk it. I am left to blindness and can only trust.

I simply can’t emotionally move on knowing my babies are still in my womb. Dead or alive. They are still there. With each passing second, I feel the effects of pregnancy hormones and am reminded of my state. That I am carrying children that I don’t get to keep.

This is quite possibly the cruelest form of emotional torture that any woman can endure. I haven’t experienced all forms of torture but certainly this takes the trophy of the worst that I could imagine… and am now living.

To be pregnant but know that soon you will no longer have your babies is an emotional death sentence. I wake up everyday wondering if this is the day that I lose my twins. And I struggle to fall asleep each evening wondering if tomorrow will be it. I awake in the middle of the night distressed and my body is in constant tension and anxiety. There’s no break or relief.

There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say “Enough!”: the grave, the barren womb, land which is never satisfied with water, and fire which never says “Enough!”.

In coping with all of this, I find myself crying nearly everyday and sometimes multiple times a day. There’s no point in wearing make-up. It’ll be gone by mid-morning. My body feels tired and I am constantly restless.

I read an article on miscarriage that states this:

If you are not aware of a shifting through the stages of grief and continue to feel debilitated by your suffering, there may be an element of clinical depression or anxiety that needs to be addressed. “Healthy” grief moves, but sometimes it can develop into relentless depression that requires more specific treatment. Many moms will experience depression that includes feelings of guilt, shame, self-doubt, and sometimes suicidal ideation. Regaining a sense of self, hope, and trust is important to one’s healing after a loss such as this.

I know I am not depressed. My grief is moving through the different stages and I don’t have feelings of guilt or shame. I know I am not in control of the situation and I did all that I humanly could to nurture the lives within me. So, that’s the good news.

My mind is currently a battlefield. Can you tell? But, thankfully, my steadfast heart is controlling my every move and the strategic attacks against darkness.

Grief has been a kicker. I absolutely love to laugh. As a little girl, my nickname at camp was “Giggles”. And these days, I haven’t laughed much…except for the other night… when someone I know, who shall remain unnamed, ate a cicada shell as a dare…. Which reminds me, I owe that person $5. 😳 #ThatOneProducedAGoodBellyLaugh

I want my laughter back. When my Brooksie asks me how I’m doing, I want to truthfully answer “I’m good.” and with a huge smile.

I hate putting on a happy face and pretending like everything is ok. I don’t think it does anybody good. People are suffering. That’s the cold hard truth. And healing cannot take place until we face the realities. We do ourselves a major disservice to play the pretend game as that means we are disabling the most effective tool at our disposal… prayer.

For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them. Matt 18:20

The power of prayer is something we cannot fathom. I have loved throughout this entire IVF process feeling the prayers of the saints. I am still feeling them today as we walk the miscarriage path. It has been a comfort to receive the cards, texts, comments on this blog and on Facebook, and, for those brave souls, the verbal condolences. They are medicine for my broken heart.

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:2b-5

4 thoughts on “Grieving Through Miscarriage

  • August 6, 2016 at 1:29 AM
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    I stumbled across your blog today, and just want to extend a heartfelt thank you for your sharing. I really needed a good read that I could connect with today, especially after being so done with the young, happy families that pervade my social media feed. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility/recurrent miscarriages for the last two+ years, and it is a very lonely battle, even though we have a strong network of family and friends. We have no children yet, and I just started miscarrying (fourth confirmed time) yesterday at around 5-6 weeks, and have spent my time just laying on the sofa watching tv and eating junk food as I move through different waves of grief. Some familiarity with the process helps, but it nevertheless still feels soul-crushing and awful…and I have such disdain for the roller coaster of emotions – just days earlier I was writing in a baby journal (which I started to try to remain hopeful this time around) about Gods goodness and that I was trusting in His plan for this baby, regardless of the outcome-trusting that His plan is good. I had set out with the intention to end each entry with a Bible verse… The last one included Romans 15:13 “may the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit”… It can be so hard to reconcile your beliefs about God in the face of such a loss(es), and I appreciate how you’ve shared bits of your struggle – to see some similar experiences and waves of questioning, etc., although our stories may be a bit different. I will be praying for you and your journey. May God fill you with comfort as you endure these hardships, may He surround you with the love and care you need moment by moment, and help you continue to trust in the plans He has for you and your hubby. Praying for your little miracle. <3

    Reply
    • August 8, 2016 at 9:39 AM
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      Katie,

      It is for women and couples like you that I even started this blog. Like you, I have an extremely strong network of family & friends. I don’t think everyone going through this has that so we need to be sure to count our blessings for having that. But, you are absolutely right, infertility despite having friends and family is a very, very lonely road. It’s terrible. I never understood this until I came across Proverbs 30 as well as Hannah’s story. Then I got it.

      I am so thankful for women like you who are comfortable voicing the problems we have. It encourages healing! We can’t keep this stuff bottled up! It will kill us.

      I am so incredibly sorry for your losses. 😥 I’ve experienced miscarriage only one time. Not four. I can’t even imagine. I know it doesn’t get easier even with experience. Keep strong in your faith and take captive any thought that drives to you be angry with God or to be bitter. That’s what I’m working through now. I can see how the loss of my twins pregnancy can be used for good. But, I still can’t see how making me suffer for so long through it (by my carrying them for so long) does any good? I can’t see how God is using this particular portion. I trust that He is but I am little distrusting of the method.

      It’s amazing what infertile women & couples endure. I’ve always admired people who go through cancer and seen them as so strong, enduring, and patient. But, I now see that we are the toughest women I know and yet also the most vulnerable. We are struck hard at our most tender spot. Infertility is a tough, tough trial right along with cancer. Different forms but the same distress.

      I’m learning so much in all this. Just when I felt I had it beat emotionally, that I could overcome anything that comes my way, BOOM the miscarriage happened. Hadn’t dealt with that one yet! Now, I can say I have. One thing that I am thankful for in this is that I can better relate to those of you who have gone through miscarriage. In the past, I haven’t been able to say much or offer any help. Now I can. Maybe God is giving me this experience to further my ability to help?

      Same for you. That’s what I mean by don’t get bitter or angry. Be patient through it all because God has a reason and it may have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! It could be that someone will come your way that desperately needs your wisdom & experience. You will be that “older woman” to somebody. Look at each downfall as a training exercise. Not only for you but for future infertile myrtles out there. I guarantee you there are many, many women in your life – in family, work, church, etc – that are struggling and you don’t even know it! Coming out my infertility closet prompted 3 (yes 3!!!) women my age in my family alone to come out their closets. I NEVER KNEW these girls were actively struggling with it! NEVER KNEW!!!!

      Stay hopeful & patient! God gave me this verse yesterday and I plan to write about it soon. But for now, it’s yours to keep –

      Behold, we count them HAPPY which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is pitiful, and of tender mercy. James 5:11

      If we lived close, I would absolutely invite you for a Starbucks date. 🙂☕️

      Your SIC,

      Jil

      Reply
  • August 5, 2016 at 9:07 PM
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    I hear you Jil. And you are right, you are going through the deepest valley of your life. It is awful! When I went through the final stage that ended my ever being able to have a baby, I was also so ticked off with EVERYTHING! Was so mad, so lonely, and feeling like I was in a cave in the biggest dungeon ever, and I couldn’t get out. Was trapped & nobody could help me. Had NEVER felt the feelings I was feeling then. And as a Christian all my life, I did ask God over and over, “Hello, where are YOU! Could you PLEASE STOP THIS PAIN…..NOW!!!!!!!!”.
    But, one day, everything changed and I was able to smile again, laugh again, & start a new life that had me stronger, and more alive with the power of Jesus Christ! The grief remained like a little open sore that wouldn’t heal up. But it took a long time, even for that to go away. The days are going to get better, Jil. They will get better. I had know since I was 19 that I probably wouldn’t be able to conceive, much less carry a baby to full-term. And then it was made final when I was 34 years old with a huge, major surgery that knocked the breath out of me. That was my third major abdominal/pelvic surgery that I had, but it was the start of only a tenth of what you are going through now, & have been going through since the start of the IVF treatments. How much I applaud you and Brooks for doing what y’all are doing. Do not give up!
    If anything Jil, please remember that Jesus loves you so much & is right now sitting with you, grieving with you and Brook. Jesus is not going to leave you, as the Word says, “comfortless”. You may not feel that way now, but His presence is there with you. It is going to get better. It was also at this time that I asked God to hug me. Just like a human being would, I put my arms around myself and said over & over, ‘Jesus, hug me now, please, and hug me TIGHT!’ Do you know, I could actually feel Him hugging me, taking the sick ache away. Please hug Brooks as I’m sure you have been, but hug him like there’s no tomorrow. It’s going to get better. Please also, keep talking to each other—do not stop communicating! It’s going to get better.
    1 Corinthians 14:33 “For God is not a God of disorder, but of Peace”. Everything seems stupid now, and beyond all goofed-up, but it is going to get better. Jesus had no intention of any of this to be happening to y’all now, or ever. His heart hurts for you, but truly He is there to make it better, because you are HIS BABY. Call out to Jesus, even scream out to Him if you have to. Tell Him how you feel and SAY IT OUT LOUD! Satan thinks he has the upper hand in all of this, but he doesn’t. Satan is the ultimate jerk & thinks he can ruin our lives, but he can’t, especially when Christ is there as our Lord & Savior. It is going to get better.
    Sorry for the long note here. I love you and am praying for you & Brooks. It is going to get better!

    Reply
    • August 8, 2016 at 9:43 AM
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      Thank Robbie for sharing! We are grateful to have the relationship we do with the Lord through all of this. It is because if it that we are able to overcome! PTL! It WILL get better. We are hoping in that.

      Reply

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